The R.Kelly Diet

NEED TO SHED SUM W8?

try the R.KELLY DIET

FREE TRIAL: 12 PLAY/12 STEP PROGRAM

see below for immediate results

1.Trapped in the Closet

If you are reading this you are trapped in the closet... with two big macs, a strawberry milkshake, mozzarella sticks and supersized fries. Trying to take the first bite of your cheeseburger you slip and twist your ankle on your Louboutin stilettos and catch your fall on your MJ silk coolots only to realize your hand was covered in Chipotle BBQ sauce (and the dry cleaner down the street already knows you by the first name).

You don't have a flashlight, it's dark in there and you can't even tell your own greased up mouth apart from your butthole. There is so much gas, and no ventilation - your breathing is getting heavier. God forbid you light a match, shit will go up in flames faster than Sylvia Plath's kitchen. Girl, you have hit ROCK BOTTOM!

You need to come out of the closet, wash your hands and take a long hard look in the mirror. You are powerless over your fast food addiction, and no one likes a tranny who has fallen off the tracks.

2. Double Up

It is time to trade in that double whopper for a double team. Go get yourself a buddy and get ready for some double trouble!

When attempting to overthrow Burger King in his white castle, one needs a partner in crime, a friend to hold your hand and slap your hand away from the fast food you want to shove in your dirty sanchez. It takes a power much greater than yourself to make you put down the burger, take those onion rings off your fingers and nurse you back to sanity.

3. Your mind's telling you no, but your body is telling you yes!

You have a carnal desire for carne asada. That bacon mac and cheese is saying your name, and when no one is around you you say "baby i love you". You need to ditch the bitch. You need to ignore whatever craving your body is trying to satiate and power through it!

Yes, there are children starving in China, and NO it won't make a difference if you finish all the food on your plate or not. If you do you will just be another obese American with your finger up your butt, or down your throat. You need to make a decision to hand over that hunger pain and the fried snickers to the care of your tortilla spooning mate i.e. #1 amigo (see point 2 above).

4. Weight Ain't Nothing but a Number

look. We know that the scale is your worst enemy. It is the real life Regina George - which means at some point you are going to have to step on the bitch. You gotta be tough, you gotta be strong, and you got to be wiser. The R.Kelly diet is about FEELING better, NOT debating whether to step on the scale before or after you drop a deuce. You need to be fearless, and need to do a (m)oral inventory of your food consumption, not your weight in gold, diamonds, or crystal meth...

5. Say no - to the chocolate Factory

You are going to get phat if you eat chocolate. You need to surrender to chocolate, admit your wrongs, and love the chocolate for what it is. Just don't put that shit in your mouth. Be like Eve, put down that chocolate bar and pick up that juicy apple!

6 - 10... is the amount of weeks it will take to see results on the R.Kelly diet (it coincidentally is the ages of R.Kelly's last 2 girlfriends)...see below:

11. I believe I can Fly

by week 11 you will be just like the white winged dove. You will actually feel so light that you will convince yourself you can fly. You will jump off your roof with and an umbrella and click your heels. You will be like Jesus, you will be able to walk on water (except you won't have the body of Christ ie bread NO CARBS!). You will be like R.Kelly - you will be so damn sexy you can make your own sex tape and actually like watching yourself naked.

12. Sex In the Kitchen

The twelfth step of this program leads us to the ultimate reason of why we were on the R.Kelly diet in the first place. TO GET LAID. After you shed a few lbs and gain some more self confidence, you are going to catch a man and he's going to want to cook you dinner (even if you already have a man, you will catch a new one - you are too hot for him!). The only way you will want to be near carbs after the R.Kelly diet is when he puts your hands next to the butter rolls and presents you with delectable (inter)courses. So make sure that he uses Low Phat dressing when he is ready to toss your salad.

GUARANTEED SUCCESS - APPROVED BY GLITTER NATION

TWO THUMBS UP THE BUTT

xoxo

Robyn

Hotter than GAGA

WHO LIKES TACOS? THIS IS OUR NACHOBELL GRANDE aka THE WAY TO MY HE(f)ART

McDonalds vs Burger King (Chula style)

I like her black lipstick...

Mami & ME (FAll FA$ion 4CAST)

If the pull out method didn't work/ If you are (s)catholic (read below)

Experts predict Pregnancy is IN for fall.

Did you miss your PE-RI-OD? Don't panic! Forget Plan B, PP and Penny Royal Tea! We got a non-hanger dose of just what the Dr. ordered, and we can guaruntee that you will be feeling Fashion Nasty in no time!!!

Don't worry about being a fashion Faux Pas - The only white you will be wearing after this LABOR DAY is your hospital gown (NOT your wedding gown).

Having a fun bun in the oven doesn't mean the party is over, in fact -the party has just begun. You have 9 months to live every day like it is your last just like we do at Fashion Nasty year round, before you start changing some narsty diapers and using a breast pump (aka milkin' it). Being preggo= being 110% FASHION NASTY so leggo your preggo eggo, put down your pom poms and pick up your trapper keeper and a jar of pickles - Ladies it is time to take some notes on the Fashion Nasty side of pregnancy.

BEING A PREGNANT MAMI GETS YOU HOT and LAID

Carpe Diem carpe(t) eater! If life hands you lemons, make lemonade! Consider this - life (aka Glitter Nation) has handed you a big ass Lemon Tree - so take out your juice(r), shake what ur mama gave ya and go out to the club, make love in da club, and go on with your bad self and EAT A CLUB (5$ footlong Hollerrrr at your roast beef). Being preggers means you boobs and ass will get bigger (more cushion for da pushin'), and you don't even have to get any work done! Men won't be able to keep their hands off your double deez.

So remember that you are SexC and NOW you can even have unprotected sex without having to worry about getting pregnant, just remember this opportunity only lasts for nine months so be sure to take full advantage of it!

Motherhood has designed a very special line for MILFs that aren't ready to give up their freedom, even if it means takin' their baby/fertilized egg with them along for the ride.

We LOVE body paint

'gnant celebs

I had to throw this one in here...

FASHION NASTY Jail Bait

got to go my biological cock is ticking,

xo

RC(ola)

YOU ARE THE HANG TO MY OVER

Dear Fa$hioni$taz,

Happy belated FOURTH OF JULY. I'm sorry we didn't update sooner- I for one have been passed out since Saturday, only to awake so I could vomit in a Trader Joe's paper bag that was next to me through the night, thanks to my BFF4EAEAE the one and only HAMBURGULAR. xoxo

I hope your Fourth was as NA$TY as mine. After a few bottles of Two Buck Chuck, half a pack of cigarettes, some racial slurs and 2 hits of a joint, I was the na$itiest HBIC on Douglass Street.

There are about 10,000 pictures from this epic weekend, and they will be brought to you ASAP by the other members of GLITTERNATION.

I am at work, about to stream some footage of MICHAEL JACKSON'S memorial service (RIP PYT) and play some solitaire.

Thanx for the memories.

xoxo,

Panti Lioness