The R.Kelly Diet

NEED TO SHED SUM W8?

try the R.KELLY DIET

FREE TRIAL: 12 PLAY/12 STEP PROGRAM

see below for immediate results

1.Trapped in the Closet

If you are reading this you are trapped in the closet... with two big macs, a strawberry milkshake, mozzarella sticks and supersized fries. Trying to take the first bite of your cheeseburger you slip and twist your ankle on your Louboutin stilettos and catch your fall on your MJ silk coolots only to realize your hand was covered in Chipotle BBQ sauce (and the dry cleaner down the street already knows you by the first name).

You don't have a flashlight, it's dark in there and you can't even tell your own greased up mouth apart from your butthole. There is so much gas, and no ventilation - your breathing is getting heavier. God forbid you light a match, shit will go up in flames faster than Sylvia Plath's kitchen. Girl, you have hit ROCK BOTTOM!

You need to come out of the closet, wash your hands and take a long hard look in the mirror. You are powerless over your fast food addiction, and no one likes a tranny who has fallen off the tracks.

2. Double Up

It is time to trade in that double whopper for a double team. Go get yourself a buddy and get ready for some double trouble!

When attempting to overthrow Burger King in his white castle, one needs a partner in crime, a friend to hold your hand and slap your hand away from the fast food you want to shove in your dirty sanchez. It takes a power much greater than yourself to make you put down the burger, take those onion rings off your fingers and nurse you back to sanity.

3. Your mind's telling you no, but your body is telling you yes!

You have a carnal desire for carne asada. That bacon mac and cheese is saying your name, and when no one is around you you say "baby i love you". You need to ditch the bitch. You need to ignore whatever craving your body is trying to satiate and power through it!

Yes, there are children starving in China, and NO it won't make a difference if you finish all the food on your plate or not. If you do you will just be another obese American with your finger up your butt, or down your throat. You need to make a decision to hand over that hunger pain and the fried snickers to the care of your tortilla spooning mate i.e. #1 amigo (see point 2 above).

4. Weight Ain't Nothing but a Number

look. We know that the scale is your worst enemy. It is the real life Regina George - which means at some point you are going to have to step on the bitch. You gotta be tough, you gotta be strong, and you got to be wiser. The R.Kelly diet is about FEELING better, NOT debating whether to step on the scale before or after you drop a deuce. You need to be fearless, and need to do a (m)oral inventory of your food consumption, not your weight in gold, diamonds, or crystal meth...

5. Say no - to the chocolate Factory

You are going to get phat if you eat chocolate. You need to surrender to chocolate, admit your wrongs, and love the chocolate for what it is. Just don't put that shit in your mouth. Be like Eve, put down that chocolate bar and pick up that juicy apple!

6 - 10... is the amount of weeks it will take to see results on the R.Kelly diet (it coincidentally is the ages of R.Kelly's last 2 girlfriends)...see below:

11. I believe I can Fly

by week 11 you will be just like the white winged dove. You will actually feel so light that you will convince yourself you can fly. You will jump off your roof with and an umbrella and click your heels. You will be like Jesus, you will be able to walk on water (except you won't have the body of Christ ie bread NO CARBS!). You will be like R.Kelly - you will be so damn sexy you can make your own sex tape and actually like watching yourself naked.

12. Sex In the Kitchen

The twelfth step of this program leads us to the ultimate reason of why we were on the R.Kelly diet in the first place. TO GET LAID. After you shed a few lbs and gain some more self confidence, you are going to catch a man and he's going to want to cook you dinner (even if you already have a man, you will catch a new one - you are too hot for him!). The only way you will want to be near carbs after the R.Kelly diet is when he puts your hands next to the butter rolls and presents you with delectable (inter)courses. So make sure that he uses Low Phat dressing when he is ready to toss your salad.

GUARANTEED SUCCESS - APPROVED BY GLITTER NATION

TWO THUMBS UP THE BUTT

xoxo

Robyn